One of these nightowlish nights, when I was wide awake and the rest of the house slept peacefully, I went downstairs to make sure everything was turned off, heaters turned down, the door was locked. I flicked on the kitchen light. There was just enough light behind me, that I could barely see as I walked through the dining room to get to the family room. We had just moved, so I wasn't completely confident as to where all the furniture was placed. As I moved further and further away from the kitchen and the light, I became more unsure of my footing. I knew there were a couple steps down to the family room and I walked slowly, tentatively placing my foot down with each step before me. I reached out with my hands, feeling empty space in front of me to make sure I didn't crash into the wall. I am happy to say I made it - which is a feat unto itself. I tend to be quite klutzy!!
After tidying up and locking the door, I turned around and headed back in the opposite direction. Through the dining room and toward the kitchen, where the light was shining bright. I walked quickly, taking big strides. Confident of where I was going. Light was spilling out in front of me. And it hit me.... it is so much easier to walk toward the light than it is to walk away from it.
I could see everything that was in front of me. Everything was clear. It was the same amount of light. Nothing had changed. The light had been so dim when it was at my back, and I walked with uncertainty and timidity through the same room.
This reminds me so much of my walk with Christ. When I am walking towards Him, by spending time with Him each day, I am much more sure of my footing, more sure of the direction I am going. When I get too busy to read my Bible and pray, my path seems so much more uncertain.
There are times in my life when I have found myself walking away. Moving further and further away from God's light. These are the times I am sucked into the darkness. About 5 years ago, my family suffered through a horribly tragic event. I couldn't pray. I couldn't read God's word. I was suffering in darkness. And it was lonely there. I was uncertain. I was reaching into the darkness with my hands stretched out in front of me, and felt nothing. Just emptiness. My feet didn't know which way to go. Every step was uncertain.
I asked fellow believers to pray for me. For us. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't pray. Honestly, I wanted to be in the dark. I was so angry with God for allowing such horrific things to happen to us. I didn't want to see light. For six months, I relished the darkness that had swallowed me whole. Until a friend reached into the darkness and lit a tiny spark in front of me. This friend told me that God would create something from all of this pain. He would use this tragedy and make beauty from the ashes. He could use this horrific thing, and make it a part of His purpose. His plan.
Light draws me in. Numerous times, I have caught myself staring into the flames. Entranced by the flickering light and shadows in a campfire or wood stove. Just drinking in the colors, the beauty, the warmth that emerges from the light.
I could finally see a tiny speck of light. I could see this little spark that my friend was waving in front of my face. And I wanted to reach out to the light. I started listening to Christian music again. I read my Bible. I was able to walk towards the light once more. Finally, I talked to God... mostly through tears, anger, pain, screaming why over and over again, until it became easier to see God's bright light on my path once more.
God was always there shining His light. I was the one that turned away. And He loves me so much, that He just kept shining His light. And waiting. He was waiting for me to turn around. He was waiting for me to see Him there. To see His light. To walk towards it. He didn't care how far I had gone. He just kept shining His light, so that when I was ready to see clearly again, He could light my way.
Now, my walk is closer to my Heavenly Father than it has ever been before. I rely on His light to light my path. I no longer ask Him "why", but instead I ask Him "what" and "how". What can I learn from this? How is He changing my heart? How will He use this? What can I do to help shine His light for others?
I still don't know exactly how God plans to use the events in our life as part of His plan. But I know that as long as I am walking towards Him, my walk is easier. As long as I keep His light in front of me, I can feel the warmth, the love, the grace that He freely gives to me. I can see the reflections of his colors and beauty all around me.
His light draws me in, and I want to keep moving towards Him.
Here are some of the scriptures that have helped me overcome difficult times...
Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
Psalm 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope.
Psalm 119:114 You are my hiding place and my shield, I hope in your word.
Psalm 30:2 O Lord my God, I cried out to you, and you healed me.
Psalm 30:5b Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you my be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Psalm 16:11 You will show me the path of life; In your presence is fullness of joy; At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
